


when you're ready (let me know)

by youngjaemins



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Character Development, Dealing with Emotions, Fluff, I guess???, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, dotae, i love yutae and dokun but dotae nation rise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-09 13:57:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17408177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youngjaemins/pseuds/youngjaemins
Summary: There isn’t really a manual on how being an idol works, so Taeyong didn't have any idea what to do and what to expect after giving this a wild shot. However, he was certain that the moment he set his foot inside the building, his life is surely not going to be the same anymore.





	when you're ready (let me know)

**2014.**

  
Growing up, Lee Taeyong never really envisioned himself singing and dancing on stage, let alone be an uprising idol in one of the Big Three Entertainments in South Korea. There isn’t really a manual on how being an idol works, so he didn’t have any idea what to do and what to expect after giving this a wild shot. However, he was certain that the moment he set his foot inside the building, his life is surely not going to be the same anymore.

It’s quite brave to pour all of your time and effort into something that’s uncertain. No one knows, not even Taeyong when will they debut or if they would even debut. One of the trainees, Seo Youngho or he goes by the name Johnny, has been patiently waiting for his debut since 2008, and the thought of being stuck inside the same room for years, watching other trainees come and go, debut or leave scares the fuck out of Taeyong. Sometimes, it’s not even the amount of hours you practice a skill you still lack of, nor the amount of food you decide to throw because of your strict diet, and definitely not the amount of sleep you deprived yourself into. It’s about perfection. This idol-life molds you into perfection; into something that’s not entirely _you_. Albeit the fact that Taeyong is known for being a perfectionist, this wasn’t the kind of perfection he was aiming. This type of perfection forces you, pressures you to become _this_ person so that people would love you.

Lee Taeyong is the kind of person who never had an actual friend. Sure, he knows a few people who you can call as an acquaintance but nothing goes beyond that anymore, and as people perceive Taeyong to be this cold-hearted weird kid, most of the time he feels lonely. But he believes, as cliché as it may seem, he knows he doesn’t have to be perfect in any aspect just so people could love him or just so he could fit in their standards. He doesn’t want people to love the false idea of him. However, Taeyong has gotten used to being on his own, he’s used to having his own self to help him survive in this hellhole that is life.

“Taeyong,” One of the staffs calls his attention back to the sudden meeting he is currently in. “are you even listening? This is very urgent and having you look so disinterested while the image of SM is being tarnished because of you isn’t really helping.” She spats and Taeyong could only recoil himself further down the swivel chair.

“Sorry.” He whispers.

She only rolled her eyes at his response. “Now as I was saying, we’ll release an official statement alongside with your written apology. I just can’t believe the staffs didn’t took a background check on the trainees they cast, they really don’t have a fucking clue, do they?”

You see, the scamming scandal wasn’t really something that Taeyong should be proud of, and he really pushed it in the back of his mind to completely forget about it and start anew. Yes, he should’ve took responsibility of the problem, but he was a coward kid who doesn’t really have any clue with what to do. So, he decided to run away from it and bury it deep down. However, it seems like karma got the best of him when the moment he was announced as a trainee under the SM Rookies agency, he got backlashed and false accusations started to spread that he himself didn’t know existed.

Right now, all Taeyong wants is to admit his mistakes and probably all these false rumors about him because that’s what he was told to do – and apologize.

“I hope you learn from this Taeyong.” She says sternly. “You’ll receive a severe punishment the moment you try and make these kind of mistakes again, do you understand?”

Taeyong’s rational thought is that people make mistakes, but he remembers, he’s no longer one. With a sigh, he nods his head in agreement. “Yes, I understand. I’m really sorry this happened.”

“Good, now go back to the training room and resume your practices.”

 

•••

 

The moment he went back into the training room he could hear the hushed whispers and the sideway glances the trainees are giving him. It irks him, but he somehow saw this coming. Some of the trainees weren’t subtly and remotely nice to Taeyong, and him making mistakes is something they’re eagerly anticipating.

“You think he’s gonna get terminated?” One of the trainees, Inhyeok asks, not even bothering to be discreet. All eyes are on Taeyong and he awkwardly shifts from standing at the doorway then shrinking back against the wall.

“He loves to get his head up in the staffs’ asses just to please them. He’s the _star_ in this company, so I guess not.” Seonghwa answers, his voice lacing with so much hatred.

Anger boils deep into Taeyong’s system – his slender fingers are forcefully pressed into the skin of his forearm. Pretending to be calm is long forgotten when the small bubble of rage looming around him tends to become bigger and bigger as time passes by.

Taeyong hates it. He despises the fact that Seonghwa was actually right; Taeyong is slowly becoming someone he doesn’t want to be. Taeyong is becoming a puppet, and he’s being manipulated easily because everyone deeply knows he’s weak and fragile. He shifted his gaze towards the ceiling, the fluorescent bulbs are enough to distract him from crying.

“Okay, that’s enough.” A voice resonates inside the training room making everyone, especially Taeyong flinch at how harsh it sounded. “Talking shit about him won’t make you any better.”

“For fuck’s sake, Doyoung.” Inhyeok loudly sighs; turning his full attention on Doyoung who is getting exasperated with whatever bullshit Inhyeok and Seonghwa are pulling. “Mind your damn business, will you?”

Taeyong isn’t really close with Doyoung, they could come off as acquaintances and that’s all there is between them. Doyoung often asks Taeyong for help with the dance steps he particularly finds difficulty with, and the rare occurrences wherein Taeyong also seeks help for his vocal practices to Doyoung. Taeyong doesn’t really consider Doyoung as someone you can confidently say a friend because they haven’t spent time outside the training room, and they don’t really know each other that well, aside from their names and the skill they excel in. It’s not like Doyoung is also considering Taeyong as his friend.

“So should you, Inhyeok.” Doyoung smugly replies. Taeyong doesn’t have any idea why Doyoung is defending him, though he finds it weirdly nice. “Don’t waste your time hating on someone who is actually better than you.”

Before any physical fight could happen between the three of them, Taeyong took the initiative to pull Doyoung out from the training room – he didn’t really know what pushed him to do it, maybe it was his instincts telling him that he would also be blamed if Doyoung and the other idiots did actually end up fighting. And Taeyong has enough fuck ups for today. However, he didn’t thought about the consequences of dragging Doyoung away from them, nor he didn’t imagine Doyoung being a part of this mess. In the end, both of them are just mindlessly walking in the company’s hallways, having no real destination.

“Hyung,” Doyoung says after a long deafening silence that it made Taeyong abruptly stop on his tracks. “I’m getting tired, can we at least sit down?”

_Oh._

How long has it been since they’ve been walking around? Or how long has it been since Taeyong has been dragging Doyoung’s ass around the company’s hallways?

Due to the unavailability of benches or chairs at the halls, they ended up sitting on the fire exit’s stairway.

“Shit, sorry!” He immediately removes his grip on Doyoung and scratches his neck awkwardly. “Uh, about earlier…you shouldn’t have done that, you know? I was doing fine, actually.”

“I’m sure you do.” Doyoung sarcastically replies, whisking the non-existent dust on his sweatpants. “Look, I’m not going to ask for a thank you. I just did what I think is right.”

Taeyong sighs, still doubtful of Doyoung’s sudden act of kindness. “Thanks, I guess?”

Doyoung chuckles, “For someone who has a tough cookie exterior, you really don’t know how to stand up for yourself.”

 _You’re wrong._ Taeyong wants to correct him but he decided to stay quiet because he learned it the hard way – whatever you say, whether it was a blatant lie or the truth, it will always be used against you. He definitely knows how to stand up for himself, but he’s afraid to make mistakes again which would cause him a lot of trouble. And trouble is something he doesn’t want to be involved in.

Without making things uncomfortable, Taeyong just smiled at Doyoung to which the younger boy easily reciprocated. It doesn’t seem forced, but Taeyong knows he should be very careful in letting his guards down.

“Hyung, you do realize that I don’t mind defending you? It’s fine with me.” Doyoung could feel Taeyong’s eyes on him; confusion and doubt written on his face. He finds it endearing, but that’s not the point right there.

“Why? We’re not even friends.” Doyoung pulls himself up on a standing position, whisking the dirt on his sweatpants once again. Taeyong is looking at him expectantly, and Doyoung really has no idea why he said that out loud, but he’s not gonna deny the fact that what he just said was true.

“Too bad because I consider you as my friend, hyung.”

 

•••

 

Having Kim Doyoung in his life as his newly found _friend_ is rather eventful. It’s like he’s a breath of fresh air for Taeyong and it makes him all fuzzy. Does making new friends always feel like this? He didn’t even feel as excited as he did when Johnny decided to befriend him too. So, why does Doyoung make any difference?

Maybe, it’s the fact that Doyoung sneaks out during his vocal practices to visit Taeyong at the training room, sharing him the triangle kimbap he messily made at the dorm. Maybe, it’s the fact that Doyoung made practices more bearable by his weird antics, and as much as he gets scolded by the instructors most of the time, it seems like he doesn’t really care. And Taeyong might be right because Doyoung doesn’t give a damn; he just wants to see Taeyong laugh because of him and it’s honestly worth being reprimanded.

Or maybe, just maybe, Doyoung is the first person who actually made friends with him and wants to know the _real_ Taeyong. He actually thought the younger was just sputtering empty words for the sake of making Taeyong feel better, or worse, for making his own self feel better. He didn’t thought of the truthfulness and pure intention Doyoung has said when he declared they were already friends. He also couldn’t blame himself for being so gullible because he doesn’t know how real friendship works.

Saying your friends and actually being friends while knowing their good and bad sides are two different things. And Taeyong guesses that he and Doyoung might be the latter.

“Earth to Taeyong hyung,” Doyoung waves his empty hand in front of Taeyong, making the older guy snap out of his trance. “Is it a habit of yours to zone out every single time?”

“Huh?” He dumbly asks, realizing that Doyoung was not just getting his attention but also engaging him in a conversation. “Oh, uh, I just happen to have something in mind.”

“Are we close enough for you to share it to me?”

What he likes about Doyoung the most is that he doesn’t push Taeyong to tell him things that are bothering him. If the older guy declines and brush it off, Doyoung would just smile and respect his decision but he would always never forget to add the lines, _You know you can count on me like one, two, three, right?_ To which Taeyong would snort because, _Are you seriously quoting Bruno Mars?_ Despite of it all, Taeyong makes sure that he shows Doyoung how thankful he is for having him in his life.

"Oh, it’s nothing deep.” Taeyong smiles, frantically waving is hands. “It’s fine. I’m fine.”

Doyoung didn’t seem to hear him because now he’s looking at Taeyong intently, his dark eyes are unreadable (but since when did Taeyong even know what’s going on with Doyoung’s head). As much as Taeyong tries to hide it, he can’t help but lower his head down in embarrassment; it’s as if Doyoung is trying to dig into his deeper parts, wanting to find _something_. Something that Taeyong himself doesn’t even know. The older guy didn’t even mean it, but he nudged Doyoung stronger than he intended to and it might’ve been very effective because Doyoung is looking at him in bewilderment.

“Fuck, what was that for?” He shrieks, rubbing his arm.

“You were being weird!”

“No, I’m not!”

“Yes, you are. You were looking at me like _this_.” Then he tried to copy the way Doyoung was gazing at him a few minutes ago. And Doyoung would be lying if he said he doesn’t find that cute. If he doesn’t find Taeyong cute because this older guy could do the bare minimum, and he wouldn’t even hesitate to do anything for him.

“Okay, stop. You’re exaggerating.” He laughs, but a little bit restrained in which it didn’t go unnoticed by Taeyong.

“Tell me. I know something’s bothering you.”

This is what Doyoung loves and hates about Taeyong. He could immediately sense that something is off, and he can’t lie. He can but he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want Taeyong to think that he’s someone who can’t be trusted, so he opt to say the truth. And what he asked might be the least thing Taeyong expected.

“Hypothetically speaking, what if you had a close friend who you thought was straight but turns out he’s not? What would you do? Or, I mean, what would you feel?”

It probably took a whole minute before Taeyong could even comprehend what Doyoung meant when he asked that certain question. And in that deafening silence, Doyoung could hear his heart hammering in his chest, immediately regretting his impulsive action.

“Honestly, I don’t mind.” Taeyong says eventually and Doyoung didn’t even realize the breath he’s holding. He lets out a loud sigh, contented with Taeyong’s answer. “Why? Is it someone you know?”  
  
“Nope, just curious is all.” For a mere second, it was as if Taeyong didn’t believe him though he lets it go after a while because it could really be true that Doyoung was just curious. But it didn’t stop Taeyong from saying something so vague that it made Doyoung question his feelings.

“You know I would never judge you if it happens to be you, Doyoung.”

 

•••

 

If you would ask Doyoung what happened after that incident, one word would sum it all up: blurry. He isn’t really sure if they became closer or if Taeyong decides to reveal how clingy he can be at a given time and occasion. He also isn’t sure what happened between them, however he can be certain of one thing and that is: Taeyong started to be more affectionate towards him. And no, it’s not that Doyoung is complaining, he’s just surprised that’s all.

He wanted to act like he’s cool with it, like having Taeyong rest his head on his shoulder, or leaning his head on his chest doesn’t faze him, but what’s the point of lying though? The moment their skin would touch, or the moment he could smell the pomegranate shampoo Taeyong loves using, he forgets how to breathe. He forgets about the other trainees existing inside the room, and he only daydreams about the two of them together; the possibility of them actually being together.

Although at some point, Doyoung stops. He refuses to acknowledge the unsteady heartbeats, the churning of his stomach every single time Taeyong beams at him, and the tingling sensation he feels inside his chest because who is he kidding? No matter what Taeyong told him, he deeply knows this feeling he has is as pointless as counting grains of sand.

But most of the time, he lets it happen naturally. He holds on to a small amount of hope that maybe, Taeyong might also see him the way he wants to be seen; that out of all the possibilities that could occur, Taeyong might also feel the same.

Just like how he could hear the soft and steady breaths Taeyong is having as he rests on Doyoung’s chest like it’s the most comfortable place he has ever slept on, and it hurts. It hurts because Doyoung wants to trace all the marks on Taeyong’s face, he doesn’t mind getting drowned with his scent if he gets to be reminded about the fact that Taeyong is real, and he’s here. Beside Doyoung.

But why is it that no matter how close they are, only millimeters apart, Doyoung could still feel they’re galaxies apart? He could still feel the void in his heart that he knows Taeyong could only fill. He questions himself countless of times when deep down he knows. He clearly knows the answer.

“Stop.” Taeyong groans, slowly getting up and Doyoung could immediately feel Taeyong’s warmth fading away. “I can practically hear you thinking.”

He laughs nervously, “Sorry, hyung.”

“Are you nervous for the monthly evaluation? Cause if you are, then I’m telling you not to be. You’re already good enough. Stop beating yourself up, okay?” He asserts, giving him the warmest smile he could muster.

The monthly evaluation is actually the least of his concerns, but he just nodded reassuringly at Taeyong. “Thanks, hyung.”

Lately, Doyoung has been preoccupied with thoughts about his unrequited feelings and his sudden realization about his sexuality. No matter how hard he tries to pretend that it’s not true, to disregard it until it goes away like it’s just a damn flu; he knows it’s impossible. He knows it’s already a part of him and doesn’t have any choice than to suck it up and accept whatever bullshit life throws at him.

At the end of the night, Doyoung wonders why is he even making a big deal out of his unforeseen discoveries about himself. He gets it, he actually does. Even an idiot could simply understand that Taeyong doesn’t love him. Besides, it doesn’t make any different when he imagines Taeyong loving him back. Because he doesn’t. He never will.

 

**2015.**

  
Thinking about the future was something Taeyong has been feeling a little bit neutral.

One moment, it pops up into his mind and he can’t help but be overwhelmed by how uncertain it can be. Everyone is clueless as to what is in store for them; what could happen in the next few days, weeks, months or years? Will Taeyong still be the same as who he is now? Or will he be a different person? Oftentimes, Taeyong would wholly turn a blind eye about it. Maybe it’s easier that way. The future is evidently not something he should pressure himself, simply because he has no control over it.

But he isn’t gullible enough not to know that a lot can change in a year. Just like how his relationship with Doyoung began to drift apart.

He guesses it was inevitable. Friendship was still meant to break apart with or without meaning to, and Taeyong who experienced being left alone couple of times shouldn’t have forgotten that. He probably knows it like the back of his hand. And he genuinely can’t blame Doyoung for distancing himself when Taeyong was the one who firmly said it. When the one who's at fault here is Taeyong.

It started with a question. A question that he shouldn’t have taken to heart, but he did because deep inside he clearly knows it’s true and he doesn’t have any defense mechanism but to deny and push everybody away, including Doyoung. Most especially Doyoung.

“Taeyong, do you like Doyoung?” Johnny asked, and the question itself was so out of the blue that it made Taeyong dumbfounded.

“Of course. He’s my friend." He answered after a while, but Johnny was chuckling at him.

“I know that, but what I mean is do you like him more than a friend?” Taeyong must have looked like he saw a ghost because he was staring at Johnny with his mouth hung with lips slightly ajar, his eyes were wide as they could stretch.

“I,” His throat seems so dry; the words get stuck on his tongue. There are way too many short-circuits in his mind that was making him unresponsive. “Johnny, I...fuck I don’t know?”

“Hey, hey, hey, Taeyong – fuck. Shit. I’m sorry.” Johnny immediately engulfed Taeyong with an embrace while he blabbered soothing words just to calm him down. It wasn’t his intention to harm Taeyong with his question, he was sincerely being curious. “You don’t have to force yourself, okay? I’m so sorry.”

The question has been haunting Taeyong since then. He spent his sleepless nights with futile thoughts about his conflicting feelings, about his sexuality, and Doyoung.

Doyoung who, without a doubt, would know that something was clearly up with him. The Kim Doyoung who came in unexpectedly into his life, and made such huge mess of Taeyong’s own world. And now, he doesn’t exactly have any idea what to do.

With that dilemma in mind, it was entirely impossible not to drag it into his usual practice routines. It was affecting his performance, and the lack of sleep was making him unproductive and snappy. It doesn’t even help that he clearly doesn’t like what he was becoming. There’s a kind of tired that needs a good night’s sleep and the other that needs so much more. And in just a few sleepless nights, one became the other; he couldn’t sleep for one night then it turned out to be a regular nightly activity.

The instructors and other staffs were either concerned or annoyed with his sudden change of personality, so it didn’t take that long before his attention was called once again. And he thought that maybe he could seek help, but he then remembered how unwelcoming and how ruthless these people can be when it comes to this kind of problem.

“Taeyong, I already warned you.” Taeyong was the kind of person who hardly showed emotion beyond annoyance. He kept being polite despite knowing that some people don’t deserve it because it made his life easier and out of trouble. But, today was a different story. “One more mistake a–”

“And what? Why are you so hell-bent on making me perfect when it’s obvious for the both of us that I’m not and I can’t?” The staff was taken aback, she thought Taeyong would swallow down his retort, smile and move on, but this is the real Taeyong. All his bottled rage came out, not stopping until he could release it all. “I’m tired of how manipulative you all can be. I’m sick and tired of pretending to be someone I’m not. I know I practice and it’s still not enough, but I’m trying. I’m a person who is capable of making mistakes, despite the shitty fact that you’re trying to make me different from the others.”

Before Taeyong could even realize his sudden outburst, so much damage was done. Every single thing that came out of his mouth was his thoughts that he knew better than to say came flooding out. And seeing the astonished look the staff was giving him, he didn’t back off.

“Get out.” The staff spats with so much menace in her voice. “I’m not gonna apologize because I’m only doing my job. However, I’m letting this go for now. Take a rest, you look like shit.” Without a word, Taeyong left the room feeling a little bit relieved.

“Hyung? Are you okay?”

Or not.

He saw Doyoung walking towards him, worry evident on his face and the panic living in his chest isn’t really helping at him at all. He knew he should run away, leave before he embarrasses himself but it’s as if that his legs have betrayed him because it was glued on the floor, unmoving.

“I’m really worried about you, hyung. Please, just tell me what’s wrong.” Doyoung gripped on Taeyong’s shoulders tightly as he voiced out his frustrations.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” he answered, however the way Doyoung eyes him skeptically tells him that he isn’t being believable. “Why do you ask, Doyoung?”

"You look like you barely had sleep. You don’t even eat the triangle kimbap I’ve been leaving at the top of your bag, and you’ve been ignoring me, hyung.” Doyoung has his brows furrowed, his hands furiously rubbing his face in annoyance.

Doyoung might be younger than Taeyong, but he isn’t stupid. He would immediately notice that he was pushing him away, and as much as Taeyong wants to admit it, he doesn’t want to. Admitting that he was actually ignoring him would also mean that he’s gonna admit the reason why he’s doing it. So, he opted the safest way. Or in simple words, he tried to play dumb.

“What are you talking about? I’m perfectly fine, Doyoung.”

Doyoung had clenched his teeth. “Stop lying."

Taeyong’s brain was working real hard, trying to find ways on how to escape from this situation. “I’m not.”

“Then why the fuck did Johnny hyung told me to look after you? Why did he told me that you’re beating yourself up over something? You’re clearly hiding something from me.”

Taeyong couldn’t hate anyone, even if they’re insufferable. He tries to see the good in people, but he doesn’t really mind stabbing Johnny if he was given the chance. He knows Johnny said that out of concern, but he has an awful sense of timing.

“Look, he was making a big deal out of it. Let’s just drop this, okay?” Glancing at Doyoung was a huge mistake because he was already looking at Taeyong with his eyes fresh with tears, ready to spill.

“I just want to help you! Why can’t you see that? Why are you so persistent in pushing me away? If you don’t want me in your life anymore at least have the fucking guts to say it in my face, hyung!” Doyoung screamed, and Taeyong doesn’t have the energy to fight back because he had enough of the people shouting at his face. But, it stung. The words Doyoung were throwing at him only added fuel to the fire that was already settled inside of him.

“Who the fuck said I needed your help? Stop making me your charity case, Doyoung.”

He laughed humorlessly, and it sent chills on Taeyong’s skin because he never heard anything like that from Doyoung. Not once. “You know what, Taeyong? Fuck you. I’m genuinely concerned about you because I…I...fuck it. I care about you. I thought we were friends.”

_Friends._

Right, that’s all there is between them. How stupid could Taeyong be for thinking that they could be more than that? How could he almost delude himself into thinking that there's a possibility of Doyoung feeling the same way? It was idiotic and pitiful.

“See you around, Taeyong.”

And just like that, he left. Just like everybody else does.

 

•••

 

It’s been months – he doesn’t have any idea how long has it been since he last talked to Doyoung, he doesn’t count. He doesn’t even bother remembering what happened during the past few months. The sadness that dominated Taeyong was profound, fatigue engraved on his forlorn face. He falls back to his daily routine, a pang of loneliness and emptiness knowing that Doyoung isn’t there to make his training period endurable. Doyoung isn’t his friend anymore and it shouldn’t hurt as much because he’s used to being left behind, but a huge part of him was actually expecting that Doyoung wasn’t like any of those people, that he would be different. That he would actually stay.

But this isn’t your typical romanticized messed up relationship and self-discovery. Doyoung, despite coming into Taeyong’s life abruptly, doesn’t deserve to be drag into his chaotic life. As much as he appreciated Doyoung’s effort in wanting to help him (to which he didn’t really do and did the exact opposite that turned out to be where the hell they are right now: apart), he doesn’t want to be a burden anymore.

So, he wallows himself every single day in self-pity. He’s back to square one; secluding himself at the corner of the room, not having the energy to make friends again. He’s not actually looking for one right at this moment, not until he’s ready. Or if he finally figures himself out.

Johnny has apologized countless of times, and he also doesn’t have the heart to feel be mad at the older guy. First, it was just a harmless question that he was equally thankful and displeased for. Thankful because it actually made him realize the confusion that’s been sitting at his heart, waiting to be solved. And displeased, simply because he was caught off guard of his sudden realization. Second, Johnny was just looking out for him, and telling Doyoung about his worries was the only (probably) logical option Johnny could think of.

And he can’t drown himself in sadness any longer. Things have escalated quickly, it already happened. After all, there’s no point in crying over spilled milk. But, the feeling of his own heart being clenche1d in pain doesn’t stop for Taeyong. The regret would come to him in quiet moments; it drops itself unannounced when he was about to sleep, when he goes to take a lunch break, or when he somehow catches a glimpse of Doyoung during his vocal practices. Being accustomed with this made him gradually lose interest of dwelling much into it. No amount of remorse was going to turn back time and fix it for him.

“Taeyong hyung!” A familiar voice rings inside the training room, and when he looks up, he sees Lee Donghyuck and Nakamoto Yuta approaching him. Donghyuck skips; he literally skips while Yuta was anxiously trailing behind the kid. “Hyung! We’re going to have lunch; do you want to come with us?”

And then Donghyuck gives him a smile. A smile that is both expectant and genuinely sweet, and Yuta is also smiling at him with just the right touch of shyness. He could decline them easily, making up crappy excuses just to find a way out because the least thing he needs right now is another friendship that’s surely gonna be thrown in a short period of time.

But before he could answer Donghyuck has already pulled him up and starts to drag him out of the training room. “Actually, we don’t take no for an answer.”

“Then you shouldn’t have asked my permission in the first place.” Taeyong mumbles, making a disgruntled face.

“That was out of courtesy, but we really wanted to spend time with you, hyung.” Donghyuck sincerely says, still giving him that warm smile.

“ _Why?_ ” Taeyong almost shrilled.

“Because we want to make friends?” Yuta pipes in, his statement seemed more of a question rather than stating a fact. “I mean, isn’t it really obvious just by asking to spend lunch time with you?”

A sound that indicates that the elevator has already arrived at their floor snaps Taeyong out of his trance; the silver doors slowly opens which makes Taeyong, Donghyuck and Yuta flick their gazes towards the elevator. Taeyong’s breath hitches when the door opened, revealing Doyoung together with the new Chinese trainee laughing over something he has no idea of.

“Doyoung hyung! Kun hyung!” Donghyuck greets the two trainees with too much enthusiasm.

“Hi, Donghyuck.” The new Chinese trainee, Kun, greets back shyly. “Hello Taeyong hyung, Yuta hyung.”

“Hello!” Yuta grins, showing his healing smile. Taeyong could only nod his head in response.

“We’ll go ahead to practice.” Doyoung speaks after a while, Taeyong immediately lowers his head down as he avoids the intense stares the younger guy is giving him. “See you around.”

He doesn’t even know who Doyoung was talking to because it was awkward and silent for a moment, fading footsteps were the last thing Taeyong heard and then Donghyuck ushered him inside the elevator.

 

•••

 

Losing his guard down for the younger trainees wasn’t as hard as Taeyong thought it would be. They are all so carefree and imaginative, yet they’re still determined to chase their dreams while having fun. They use the practice room to either enhance their skills or to play because as sad as it may seem, they literally left their childhood behind to pursue what they really aspire to be and the last thing that they want is to regret that decision. Being with them makes Taeyong feel a little bit younger. They changed his dull and uneventful practices. Being with them makes Taeyong want to become the older brother that these young kids should have. They all look up to him, they all admire him and somehow it lets Taeyong forget how self-destructive he can be. It lets him forget about his unresolved problems, and most importantly, it lets him forget about a certain Kim Doyoung.

“Taeyong, has anyone told you that you zone out most of the time?” Yuta casually asks, playing with the handle of his water bottle. Mark, Donghyuck, and Jisung are busy arguing over their favorite Pokemon characters at the other table and Taeyong couldn’t help but smile at their silly banter.

“I’ve been told. Sorry, it’s a bad habit I know.”

  
“Did they release your monthly evaluation results?” It wasn’t even a change of subject, Taeyong knows it’s what Yuta really wanted to ask without being blunt about it.

Taeyong nods, a heavy sigh leaves his mouth. “I got low remarks and the staffs were once again reprimanding me.”

“But, you’re doing much better than us.” Yuta says it as a matter of fact.

“There’s a huge difference between being good and being passionate with what you’re doing.”

"You got low scores because you aren’t passionate enough? But you’re working hard? You write raps, you compose songs, what kind of crap are you talking about?”

"We all practice every single day, Yuta. I write and produce songs because I got told to do so, but I know that they’re half-ass made. I just…I guess I lost the motivation that I once had. I don’t know.” Taeyong looks away from Yuta’s stare, afraid of the judgment clouding in the younger boy’s mind.

“I think we all lose that fire within us at some point.” Taeyong still doesn’t look at him but he can sense that encouraging smile Yuta has on his lips. “I’m in no position to scold you or anything because you already had enough of that, but I’m gonna support you, okay? If you need any help, we’re here for you.”

He smiles, tears welling up in his eyes. “Thank you. I appreciate it, Yuta.”

 

•••

 

“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” Kwanghee, the choreographer seethes as he throws the speakers’ remote control with so much power the trainees wince at the sound. “We gave you a month, Taeyong. A fucking month to improve from your last monthly evaluation and you’re far from improving. Wake the fuck up, Taeyong! Not everyone in this room would adjust to whatever sick attention you need.”

Taeyong swallows the lump in his throat, head hanging low. “Sorry.”

Kwanghee scoffs, “We both know you don’t mean that, so fucking keep it. I don’t care if you’re one of the star trainees–“

“Stop calling me _that_.” Taeyong’s fists are clenched, his head throbbing with so much pain and his breathing is unsteady. He’s raging with so much anger, so much hatred.

Kwanghee watches Taeyong with an amused expression, he hasn’t seen this side of Taeyong. “That would be the last time, don’t worry. It’s obvious you don’t deserve to be called one.” With that, Kwanghee dismisses the practice and leaves without much words.

The atmosphere inside the practice room is thick, laced with fragile silence and awkwardness. Taeyong is still standing in the same spot despite the others cowering towards the corner, shutting their mouths tight, afraid that a miniscule of noise would make Taeyong lash out.

“Shouldn’t we help Taeyong hyung?” He hears Mark softly asks, like walking on eggshells. “Are we gonna be okay, hyung?”

He hears someone sighs. “Let him have his space, Mark. We’re okay. We’re gonna be okay.”

When will everyone stop lying? It’s clear as daylight that Taeyong has fucked things up for them already. Everything is far from being okay and listening to those pathetic lies make Taeyong hate his life even more. Others are already lying for him, defending him for his mess and he haven’t thanked them for it which makes him feel worse. He doesn’t deserve it, he doesn’t deserve their kindness and their love. They deserve someone better. Someone who isn’t Taeyong.

“I’ll leave.” Taeyong, after a long silence, mutters making everyone turn their heads toward him. “Sorry for causing so much trouble.”

“Taeyong, we all make shitty mistakes, okay? Don’t blame yourself for everything.” Johnny coaxes, trying to console Taeyong but he’s not having any of it.

“Easy for you to say.” He retorts, urging himself to calm down and not make thing messier than it already is. “I need to be alone for a while.”

Johnny seems like he wants to oppose but Yuta places a hand on his shoulder, signaling him to let Taeyong go. Everyone kept their eyes on Taeyong as he gathers all his belongings, swinging his bag over his shoulder. Taeyong can feel their intense gazes and he doesn’t have the will to tell them to fuck off, so he lets them stare at him, only feeling a whole lot of relief after leaving the room.

If Taeyong wanted some time alone to cool off then he would do it as far as possible from the company’s vicinity. He could never find solace within himself if he could still feel the daggers of stares and unending judgments towards him. He doesn’t want that as of the moment. All he wants right now is to drown himself with self-loathing.

Funny how he used to think that this world was a beautiful place to live in, where he eagerly anticipates what it’s like to grow up, find friends and the person you want to spend your life with. But now, he could only laugh at his past self because of how gullible and naïve he was for believing such bullshit.

Numerous thoughts have been swarming inside his head, and he doesn’t know where to being with. However, when he hears the thunderous laughters of the children from a distance, a huge pang of jealousy runs over him, and it’s clear. It’s clear that he knows what was bothering him.

He’s envious.

Of how people easily could figure themselves out. Even if most of them are pretending, it would seem as though they’re not even trying to pretend anymore. They’ve gotten used to pretending, they made it look like they already accepted who they are in the long run.

Of the people who doesn’t make questionable life decisions. How could anyone be so certain of their choices in life when Taeyong has already lost all of his faith that he could make the right one? Taeyong isn’t even sure if what he’s doing right now is even worth it because it slowly loses its purposes in his life.

Most of all, he’s envious of the friendship some of the trainees have. He had one. He had Doyoung, but his insecurities got the best of him. If it wasn’t miserable enough, Yuta and Donghyuck welcomed him into their small group, and he genuinely wanted to be a part of them. Yet a voice inside of him taunts him that he doesn’t belong there. That he’s only forcing himself to be a part of their group. And he could evidently see that because everyone in that small circle has someone to lean on, and Taeyong being the extra baggage doesn’t have anyone. So, he runs away like the coward that he is.

Taeyong’s sobs are stifled at first as he failed his attempt to hold back his tears, then a wave of his emotions hits him making him breakdown completely. It was a humorous (read: saddening) scene to watch: a young man, crying like a lone wolf who slowly loses his purpose in life.

Not far from where Taeyong is crouched down on the bench, Doyoung halts all of a sudden, his hands on his knees as he tries to catch his breath. What’s he supposed to do next? Finding him was his top priority, he didn’t really think of what he’ll do after finding Taeyong. Does he tell him to go back to the dorm and let the trainees interrogate him? Or does he inform the staffs and let him get scolded and insulted once again? He doesn’t want either of the two so, without much courage left, he walked up as discreetly as he could. He sits a few meters away from Taeyong, and the distance was enough for Doyoung to hear the soft sniffs of the older guy. He’s been crying for God knows how long, and it kills him. It kills him because he has never seen nor heard Taeyong cried.

Taeyong hasn’t looked over, still preoccupied with staring blankly at the space. Eventually, silence looms over the both of them. While Doyoung patiently waits for Taeyong to say something, anything that can ease the panic sitting in Doyoung’s chest.

“You’re not supposed to be here.” Doyoung couldn’t even think of a reasonable response. He knows he shouldn’t be here; they were no longer friends for him to be this worried. A series of images from that unforgettable incident cuts through Doyoung’s mind, unbidden. “That’s Donghyuck and Mark.”

Doyoung seems to be taken aback, “Huh?”

Taeyong points at the two kids running: one kid with a mischievous grin, shrieking with laughter while running after a lanky little kid. Doyoung stays quiet, wanting for Taeyong to continue whatever he wants to talk about.

“And there’s Johnny with Yuta.” He then points another two kids: a kid who is seemingly tall for his age, and a bright kid genuinely laughing at whatever the tall kid is saying. “And that’s you and your Chinese friend, Kun, right?”

Doyoung nods, taking a glimpse of another pair of kids that Taeyong is growing fond of. An awkward looking kid is giggling while being tickled by a kid that Doyoung doesn’t really find a resemblance of himself, but he doesn’t really mind. “But, which kid are you?”

With that question, Taeyong’s warm smile vanished instantly. His eyes scans around the park, and he sees a particular kid being held back by his mother from playing with the other kids. “That’s me, and his mother is probably SM.” He laughs bitterly, but Doyoung continued to watch the kid Taeyong identified himself as.

After some time, the mother lets his son go and he immediately approached the group of kids Taeyong has been pointing at earlier. The kids turned to look at each other, and they all ran away from the kid, leaving him alone and confused.

Taeyong winced at the sight and Doyoung wants to hold him. He wants to engulf him with an embrace that would tell Taeyong that it’s never gonna happen. But what if they already made him feel that way?

“You know we’d never do that, right?” Doyoung asks, pleadingly.

Taeyong sniffs, rubbing his eyes furiously to stop himself from crying. “I know. And it’s not your fault that I still let myself think that it’s possible for things like that to happen.”

“W…wh–I’m...I’m sorry.”

Taeyong lets out a whimper when his own eyes betrayed him, letting out all the tears he’s been holding back. “You don’t have to be sorry. I made myself feel this way. It’s just that I’ve wanted to have a friend for a long time, and then you suddenly came. You really made me a better person, Doyoung. But my insecurities got the best of me; I pushed you away because that’s what I’m best at. I’m sorry for dragging you into my own mess. I swear that’s the last thing I wanted to happen. I’m really sorry for ruining our friendship.”

Without much word, Doyoung hugs Taeyong as the older guy sobs his pain into his chest unceasingly, hands clutching at Doyoung’s shirt. The pain must have come in waves, minutes of sobbing broken apart by short pauses of recovering breaths, before hurling back into the depths of misery and self-hatred. “It’s okay, cry it all out. It’s okay.”

“Will it be, Doyoung? Will it be really okay?” It’s childish to whine for something that no one really has the answer to, but Taeyong feels desperate. He wanted to be okay. He wanted to finally make things right, but the feeling of fucking it up again is overwhelming.

“Only if you help yourself to be okay.”

It doesn’t really seem to answer his question, yet he can understand the underlying meaning of what Doyoung said.

After some time, Taeyong has calmed down. He quickly wipes away the dried tears on his cheeks, removing any traces of his breakdown. Slowly, Doyoung lips lifted upward. The warm glow that his smile emits signifying that he is a ray of sunshine, and Taeyong doesn’t mind getting sunburned.

Taeyong just stares at Doyoung, and he feels strange. Not the kind of strange that makes him cry once again, but the kind of strange that he finds safety in.

“I missed you.” Taeyong knew it was just a slip up. All the repressed feelings he had confined himself in for the past months was easily said in just three words and the words itself is kind of self-explanatory. He didn’t mean to say it out loud, but he’s not gonna take it back because what he said was true. Those words held a deep and heavy connotation that Taeyong hopes Doyoung could understand what he really wants to convey.

“I missed you too.” Doyoung says it back after a long and deafening silence. “And I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For leaving you when you needed me the most.”

Taeyong wants to cry again. Not from sadness, but from happiness because truly, he doesn’t deserve to have Doyoung in his life. Yet, he’s there. Right beside Taeyong and it suddenly feels like they were back to being friends again.

“You had your reasons, Doyoung. I don’t blame you.” Taeyong is still looking at Doyoung, relishing at the way his eyes glimmer as the remaining rays of the sunset hit the side of his face.

Doyoung nods, but he wants to say something. He’s been meaning to ask this question, however the cowardice in him always get the best of him, leaving him with missed opportunities except he doesn’t want to let this chance slip away when it’s already right in front of him. “Can we be friends again?”

_Friends._

The word doesn’t leave a bitter taste in Taeyong’s mouth anymore, maybe because the ache of longing for Doyoung – whether it’s platonic or romantic – makes him weak. He never knew that missing him would take over his entire body, seeping into his bones, draining him and tormenting him out on a daily basis. If being friends with him again would stop him from feeling like that then he supposes he can take whatever he can get.

“Of course.”

 

•••

 

Apologizing is one of Taeyong’s greatest skill.

He is sorry for a lot of things, but most importantly, he’s sorry for being who he was before because he knows that it wasn’t his proudest and best(est) moment. Which is why, he promised to himself to grow more in becoming a better person for him and for the people he loves.

Taeyong sits at the very corner of the practice room, admiring the way his friends chatter, banter and chase around the room without any care in the world. This room is entirely filled with happiness. And he lets it soak right into his body, into his bones. He wants this feeling to be endless, to still be there even after they debut together. He closes his eyes, savoring the moment as he tries to etch it on his head, memorizing every single detail of their smiles and laughter.

It’s as if for the first time ever since Taeyong stepped inside the company he doesn’t feel the burden of becoming perfect, he doesn’t feel the pressure of being good enough, and he doesn’t feel the high expectations upon him. He can finally be able to breathe without restrain.

He can feel someone sitting right beside him, and he doesn’t even have to open his eyes to know that it’s Doyoung. “I need to talk to you.”

With his voice sounding so urgent, Taeyong opens his eyes quickly, looking at the younger guy who has his head hung low while tugging the string of his knitted sweater. “Is there something wrong?”

All the reasons not to do this is obviously laid before Doyoung’s eyes. He can feel a small amount of panic oozing in his entire body, which can only grow bigger or it can easily die down depending on whatever impulse decision he makes. It will obviously die down if he decides to back out, but then he has to do this again next time. And that next time is surely uncertain and he won’t have the same courage he has now to do this once again. So, he lets it all out uninhibitedly, “I love you.”

The silence after an out of the blue confession is definitely the most terrifying part for Doyoung because he doesn’t know what to do, what to say or hell, he doesn’t even know where to look at. Despite the ruckus their friends are making, Doyoung can clearly hear his thumping heart, its erratic movements and he prays to God that it isn’t audible enough for Taeyong to hear.

“You what?” Taeyong shrieks after some time, the words sinking in his brain.

“You heard me, hyung.” Doyoung says, offering a small smile in hopes to ease this big revelation he just dropped.

Taeyong’s palms start to get sweaty, and the adrenaline coursing through his body is making him lose any sense to think logically because all he’s doing now is rambling. “But I’m scared, Doyoung and I’m not completely sure if I’m ready to be in a relationship after everything that happened."

“Hyung, I know.” He chuckles, taking Taeyong’s hand as he intertwines it with his own. He may sound like a lovesick fool but he’s not going to deny the fact that their hands fit perfectly together. “I didn’t admit that just for you to say it back. I don’t care how it’s going to be or how it’s gonna turn out, and I don’t care if you don’t see me the way I see you because I’m going to love you anyway.”

Happy is what Taeyong feels when he’s right next to Doyoung, or maybe in his arms where he feels safe and warm. Being with him doesn’t always feel like fireworks exploding or bright colors shining, sometimes it’s serene. The calm after the storm.

“I love you too, Doyoung. I really do.”

When those words his mouth, Taeyong could at last release all his worries and insecurities away. Let it float away into obscurity. Happiness has always been so foreign to him, but today it exudes with the way his smile is so radiant that he didn’t know he can actually make that expression, and Doyoung doesn’t want that smile to go away. Not anymore.

“Just let me know, hyung.” Doyoung whispers, giving him the fondest smile he has ever seen him. “Just let me know when you’re ready.”

If this isn’t what happiness is supposed to be then Taeyong doesn’t mind being clueless because this will be his own definition of happiness. The one he’ll keep with him forever.

**Author's Note:**

> my twt: [ @actornjm ](https://www.twitter.com/actornjm)  
> pls be my friend and send me prompts to write hehe! <3


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